Don't know what to say, really

Clearly I am a very bad blog writer, in terms of intent vs. reality. I have not written for roughly two weeks. I guess that's a bad thing, but since last time I wrote I've been to Stirling and Linlithgow, so those have to count on my List of Things I've Done in Scotland. And on Thursday I'm heading off to the Borderlands. Which should be interesting/awesome/picturesque. I've decided that Scotland may very well be one of THE most beautiful countries on the planet. It's just mind-boggling how I can look out of the library window and see an EXTINCT VOLCANO just over the top of eighteenth-century buildings. Edinburgh's so dark and remarkable and stunning; part of me misses home so much but part of me never wants to leave this place. And it's not even the places I go to visit, it's just being here and living here and walking through cobblestone streets.

I think one reason I'm homesick, though, is that I feel that I've lost the thread of life back at AU. I can see people on Facebook or talk to them on AIM but there's a lag there that, in some ways, completely breaks my heart. And I stayed up all night last week finishing that play because I thought maybe it would help, maybe it would make me feel connected, and that I could do something to affect people's lives three thousand miles away, but it didn't. I'm not saying that no one cares about it but just that I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm not as important, in the whole scheme of things, as I thought I was, and that's troubling. I so often feel as if I'm on the outside, staring in, and I hate it. I want to be a part of things, I want to be inside, instead of out here. But I don't know how to do that.

More than a month

I've been here in Edinburgh more than a month. In that time, I've been to class, Malting's, the National Museum, the Three Sisters, Glasgow, the Castle, the Vaults, Elephant House, and Manchester. But that's a MONTH and I feel like I've done NOTHING. And like I'm running out of time to enjoy myself. And yet, it's cold here, I'm consumed by work, and it's not all fun and games. Seriously. I had to write two papers this weekend, which amounted to 3,000 words (roughly 12 pages, double-spaced). I've had reading every night, and I'm trying to work on my play, which is in the second act and stalling, and while I'm sure Edinburgh's nightlife is fabulous I'm not for getting drunk and sitting in dark rooms with loud music. And the odd part is that I'm happy just being here--walking out of the library and seeing Arthur's Seat looming in the distance, stumbling down ice-lined cobblestone streets, listening to Scottish lecturers. So I've got these two conflicts: I'm delighted that I'm here but I don't feel like I'm doing enough and I don't know how to change that. I'm going to Stirling this weekend, though, so that should be beautiful.

If anyone is still reading this, please comment because otherwise I forget about it and I think writing in a blog is a good idea.

American Food!!

Good lord! It appears I am reluctant, somehow, to update this more than about once a week. It has been more than a week, in fact, though justifiably I've not done anything much worth noting. I did go to Manchester this weekend, though, which was absolutely lovely--I got to see Chester, which is this charming English town with a medieval wall, and downtown Manchester, which looks very much the way Life on Mars would like us to believe. I kept expecting (hoping, maybe) that John Simm would run around the corner or something. I got to see my uncle, which was nice, and of course I brought American food back for my flatmates and myself. Campbell's Double Noodle Soup has never tasted quite so good.

I've been trying to write a bit every day, but so far not much good has come of it. My play is progressing (slowly) and though I've touched on the important bits regarding structure and so on, there seems to be something missing that I haven't yet found. The part I keep having to remind myself is that no matter how much I think I know, I'm still feeling my way through my craft and that doesn't mean it has to be perfect on the first go.

I'll write more when I'm not quite so knackered.